"The toilet paper's for a friend," said me to the cashier at Gelson's just nowMy first question is, did the cashier really ask Sarah who she was buying the toilet paper for? Because I don't know what kind of place this Gelson's is or where it is, but I was a cashier at a grocery store in Ohio from 1995 to 1998 and it never would've occurred to me to ask anyone "Who's that toilet paper for?" I believe if I had asked such a question at some point, the customer would've stared at me for maybe ten seconds before blowing a rape whistle or punching me in the face. And I would've deserved both.
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 13, 2013
Under what circumstances would an ordinary cashier feel compelled to ask such a question? You would only ask if, for example, Sarah frequented your store regularly and usually bought everything but toilet paper. Maybe because she never shits -- or she's so environmentally conscious that she usually wipes with leaves or napkins swiped from a comedy club, or she has actually figured out the 3-shell system from Demolition Man. So when she came through with some two-ply, ultra-soft you might be so surprised that you'd ask about it. And Sarah, unlike anyone else on this planet who wipes regularly, would be so nonplussed by the sheer absurdity of the question that she'd just answer, without so much as batting either of the orbs barely visible beneath those wooly worms she calls eyebrows.
Like Sarah Silverman's status as a legitimate comedian in the eye of all hipsters, that scenario is just too ridiculous to believe. So I can only conclude that she was never asked the question at all -- but instead felt compelled to volunteer this information to the cashier. And that brings us to the question that calls this very blog into existence: why would you say that? Why, Sarah? Why... the fuck... would you say that?
I admit I feel the need to volunteer an explanation to the cashier when I buy certain things: sanitary napkins ("for the girlfriend"), large amounts of alcohol ("we're having a party"), ink pens ("for the girlfriend"). But toilet paper? Why would anyone need to explain that to a stranger? Why would anyone need to explain that to anyone? It makes no earthly sense.
Sarah Silverman is a comedian, so I'm assuming that this was supposed to be a joke of some kind. So at this point, I'm wondering why it was supposed to be funny. Aristotle tells us that comedy works because it depicts people as worse than they really are. But that doesn't seem to apply here. The only people in Sarah Silverman's scenario are herself and the cashier. The cashier doesn't really come off too bad. He or she either asked about the toilet paper or not. Sarah conveyed information about toilet paper. That information doesn't make her appear worse than she actually is. It makes her appear only as lame as she actually is: a weak comedian who made up a scenario so that she could report that she was buying toilet paper that would be rubbing up against the ass of someone besides herself, for some enigmatic reason. Why the fuck would she say that?
---Jones()
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